Sunday, August 29, 2010

one year ago today...

i awoke this morning with a heavy sadness on my heart...tears were threatening to spill, and, for the life of me (other than being a girl with crazy hormones, lol) i could not figure out why...then I remembered a friend telling me about a dozen years ago when she was going to massage therapy school that our muscles hold and release past pains...that, if we are hurting, have a bad breakup, experience the death of someone close to us, or have some sort of loss that at the exact time a year later our bodies will feel it!! she told me that people will start crying on the massage table as pains are released!! isn't that crazy?!!
one year ago today matt, the kids, and i set out on our venture to Savannah, Georgia...home of dream school. I've wanted to attend SCAD for years, and when I was accepted to the fibers program (after applying with Matt as a joke) and given a scholarship, Matt surprised me by giving his two weeks notice...he phoned me to say "I did it," "did what?" I asked, "gave my two weeks notice! we are moving to Savannah!" I nearly fainted. We were really doing it!!

Opening game at the Cowboy's stadium was where he and I spent his final moments of employment couldn't have been a more appropriate place to spend our final moments since that stadium is what moved us to Dallas in the first place...a final glimpse of his fine work, and a sigh of relief that the project was (sort of) complete after working on it for several years. We left feeling scared and excited all the same at the adventures that lie ahead of us...however, that weekend brought bigger changes to our lives, ones we hadn't anticipated...

it's all a blur to me how I actually drove myself and C with a trailer behind my car all the way to Savannah. The week following opening game my head began to spin as if I were intoxicated and I lost eight pounds...for some reason I was severely dehydrated and extremely weak. Our family camped out at my aunt and uncle's house until I was strong enough to drive.
One year ago today I awoke and made it down the stairs to the kitchen all by myself. I ate more jello and eggs...and the kids entertained me with their chatter. My aunt Joyce gave me a devotional to read encouraging me to follow my dreams, and her twin sister, my aunt Jean phoned to encourage me not to give up. Jean urged me to "go for it" with promises to fly down with Joyce in tow and care for me so that I could go to school. Joyce and Charley drove me over to my apmt. where my car and trailer awaited and cheered me on as I took a crash course on turning with the uhaul attached to the rear...we said our farewells and began to drive. I was so dizzy. I was so scared. I vaguely remember making it to Savannah. I remember the trees, I remember our marshy island, I remember the apmt there. We were all scared, we placed all of our mattresses in a row in the master bedroom so we wouldn't be apart and watched DVD's together until we fell asleep at night. We went to the beach just so the kids could see it...I got worse. I begged God just to let me sleep. I took everything I could to take the spinning and the strange pounding headaches away. I called my dr. in texas and convinced him to give me more zofran. It was then, as I watched my children playing in the boxes that I realized I couldn't attend classes and be a mommy...not like this...not dizzy. And just as quickly as it happened, it was over. Gone in an instant...I watched my babies go through security at that tiny little savannah airport...we all cried b/c we knew it was the end, that we wouldn't be living on the island near the beach, and I wouldn't be attending SCAD. "I thought you said we could stay mom?" asked T as we were leaving the beach on Tybee Island, "Oh, honey, it's past dark, we have to leave, we'll come back," I said. "No, I thought you said we could stay in Savannah? I thought you said you were going to take art classes?" was his was the sweetest thing...I'll probably never forget those words. We were all so excited about this chapter in our lives...and it seems still hanging midair as if it never happened.
I have been able to avoid thinking about it as I have spent much of the past year on the sofa or busy with the kids when I wasn't feeling crummy...however, today, one year later, I have found myself processing some of it. I found myself sad this morning. Until God showed me "For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?" (eccl 6:12) and I was reminded that I do not know what is best for me...I haven't a plan for my life as perfect as His...and I certainly don't have it bad at all. The most lovely pots are spun and pushed and pried on the wheel, the most beautiful stories are redemptive ones written by our Author. I know His story for me is the best one. His story for our family is the best. I am so blessed by His gifts of three other people to join me in this journey.

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