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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

joining the MG club


*each Monday (yes, I realize it's Tuesday...but, let's pretend today is Monday) one of my dearest friends, Brooke (ok, so we've never met...but we've read each other's blogs so therefore we know each other's deepest darkest secrets and we've met the fam via web postings...and she manages to crack me up regularly, so seriously, I think she counts as a friend), hosts a mommy guiltaholic meeting for all of us imperfect mamas out there...i decided to join the meeting today, on Tuesday...yes, a day late...and yes, timeliness isn't one of my stronger sides, but that's not what we're discussing in today's MG meeting...

more changes have taken place in our lives...so, of course, my mind is spinning (only not for real this time...thanks to dramamine lol...totally kidding...kinda)...change is hard, freaking hard, if i do say so myself. i guess you could say that our family takes it with stride, and i must say a HUGE round of applause is due my sweet children...i can totally deal with the stress of packing/loading/cleaning/house-hunting/ new mommy cliques...but to have to be a kid again and to have to make ALL NEW friends in another new city...that's rough...and I can't say I blame my sweet babies if they resist at all...
today, both C and I shed a couple of tears...missing our last "home" or at least the familiarities of it...C was trying to be so brave and not cry and I told her that it was totally okay to cry, cry away in fact, b/c i cry too. she looked at me, shocked, as if that fact was news to her...grownups cry and miss friends too...the poor little thing...
of course this made me think of many things...like:
1)how many of us grown-ups pretend our hurts don't hurt? and why? what on earth does acting tough do for us, other than shoving emotions deep down only to surface in an eruption down the road? haha, isn't that why half of america is on anti-anxiety pills or anti-depressants or seeing a therapist? which, by the way, seeing a therapist is fabulous...I can't wait for my friend steph to psychoanalyze me once she finishes classes!!
and 2) holy cow!! what have i done to my sweet children?? have we screwed them up?! of course this question surfaces ALL of the time...it has for many moves...but mostly during the past couple of years...(C is on elementary school #5 and T is on #3)...and then, of course it surfaced as I was chatting with my dear old dad today and he very kindly and realistically compared C to a military kid, suggesting that our number of moves might be worse...oh man...make a girl feel like checking herself into a mommy-guiltaholic meeting(wink wink Brooke)...but, then, after beating myself up for the afternoon, i realized...i didn't write my children's story (nor my own for that matter)...and I won't ever write their story...sure decisions matt and I have made/will make may shape their raising, it may shape how they turn out...like whether they become surfers rather than skiers, or horseback riders rather than bike riders...but, none of our past, nor our future will ultimately make or break my child. God gently reminded me that He loves and cares for my children more than I...yeah, it completely sucks to move, to have to say goodbye to friends and loved ones, to have to adjust to an entirely different culture (and yes, entirely different cultures exist ALL over this vast country of ours)...sometimes the adjustments have definitely been so hard that I've wanted to return to a place of familiarity (only to visit and find out that it has changed along with the rest of the growing world)...I realize that God does have a plan in all of this craziness that is our life...He is writing the story of my babies lives...like a beautifully knitted piece or stitched quilt, he is purposefully knitting in a patch of color...one that w/o it, the entire piece wouldn't be the same. SO, I've realized this evening that, we've got to let go of our mommy guilt...those sleepless nights recounting all of the ways we've messed up that day, or those spent over bubble wrap and cardboard boxes contemplating how one little decision (or many) has changed my children's lives and social skills for the worse forever...
C&T have been blessed with parents who are still madly in love with each other, parents who adore them, grandparents who love them fiercely, and handfuls of experiences and friends in cities all over...
so...what have your kids been blessed with? what failures on your part has God used to write a better story for them?

"hello, my name is sarah and I am a mommy-guiltaholic"
"hi sarah"

2 comments:

  1. Sarah, thanks for joining rehab this week (no worries about being a day late...I haven't even posted one for this week yet and I'm the host! haha!)

    This post really touched my heart. It encouraged me to be more vulnerable with my kids (when they are old enough to understand) and reminded me of how constant God is in the midst of our ever changing lives...He is ONLY CONSTANT...thanks for that reminder today :)

    So glad we're friends :)

    Love,
    Brooke

    PS...I knew we would be good buddies when I saw your love for all things Donald Miller...can I get an AMEN?!

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  2. aaaahhhh you are just the sweetest!! thankyou for your sweet words, dear old friend...
    and AMEN sister...love donald, just love him!!
    love, sarah

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